Diary #3 Being Happy

 I thought that when you finally live alone, make your own money I will be the happiest person. Reality is not always as you wanted it to be. I guess that is why people sometimes got lost in their dreams instead of trying to make the dream come true.

It's been 6 months that I have been living alone, at first it is kinda cool buying groceries, decorating your place, cooking for yourself, getting your first paycheck, buying things with your hard-earned money, staying up late without your mom yelling at you to sleep at 12 am, even going out late and come home in the morning without nobody bothering you with "what time are you coming home" text/calls. 

I've made some happy memories alright, but it seems that instead of feeling happy or even sad I became numb to all kind of feelings. Maybe some people would say "you're lucky now you are working during this hard time in pandemic where nobody cannot even held their job" or "you're lucky your paycheck does not have to go to feed and take care of your parents or siblings to get by" but somehow I don't feel lucky at all. Maybe I am being ungrateful? Maybe you cannot get both things in life; being happy and being able to support yourself with a job as an adult?

I wonder, as a child we all have some kind of dream, be it dreaming about being an astronaut, being a dentist, being a police or whatever. Most of those dreams have one thing in common; being someone important that is for a greater good of all people. My dream? I just wanna be happy. Is that too selfish? 

All my life, I feel like life has not been kind to me most of the times, I've been bullied when I was young, resulting in I don't know how to socialize (truly), lack of self-esteem and self love. When I was a teenager, my parents are divorced cause my dad is an asshole (lets leave it at that for now), now add trust issues to the list of things I'm lacking; especially towards men. All that things that happened to me, of course created "me" in a lot of way, it makes me bitter towards everything, I always need some kind of reassurance for the things I do or about myself in general, I became "needy" when someone show me a slightest affection or kindness, I let people define the way I feel about myself when it shouldn't. I feel like I'm broken and I don't how to fix it myself. I thought: maybe I don't deserve to be happy but it's the only thing that I want in this life.